I Fear You

Fear is a normal thing.

Why did I say that on the first line? Well, I think we should start off with a story.

I have claustrophobia; I am scared of small spaces. I have no idea why; maybe it’s because I used to be stuck in an elevator when I was little, but I didn’t really know that it would actually affect me. I was little when that happened, maybe 5 years old, and I was stuck with my cousin. I was scared, but I don’t really remember what happened. All I know is I was stuck in an elevator when I was younger and now I’m scared of small spaces.

So moving on...this one time in ninth grade, I was in one of my teacher’s office. It was a tiny office, but it was nice. The colors of the wall were a light shade too, so it made everything better.

I was there with one of my friends; just call him X. X and I were in the room, writing our speech scripts for a competition. He was focused on his script and I was focused on mine.

Then, 2 of my friends shut the door completely. The door was cracked open a little before and keep in mind that this door is a sliding door, not a regular door. I tried calming myself, telling myself that the door can be opened, but when my friend tried to open it from the outside, it got stuck. I was panicking, yet X calmly tried to open the door. Seeing his reaction, I got a bit embarrassed. Although I had a minor panic attack that time, I could still gather the strength to run to the bathroom stall after they finally opened the door. I triple check the bathroom lock, just to make sure I could open it. After all the checking was done, I started to wonder, why am I so afraid of small spaces?

Or worse, why am i so weak and why do i get freaked out so easily? I was the only one among 39 students in my ninth grade batch that had severe anxiety. I was the only one who’s gotten anxiety attacks every now and then. At first I thought anxiety attacks are normal, but seeing my friends never had any, it made me wonder am I really normal?

Add anxiety and panic attacks to the list of why I’m weird!

I have to be honest; I over-think about that a lot. I have always thought that being afraid of something is normal, but being in this level of fear? Is that even normal?

I used to have a teacher who talked me trough my anxiety attacks. He isn’t my homeroom teacher, but he’s a really cool teacher. Once I had an anxiety attack on class right before the final examination. It was because I tried to open the class door, but I can’t because somebody held the door from the outside.

When they finally realized it was me who tried to open the door, they finally let go. As always, I directly ran to the bathroom stall. I didn’t even lock the stall, mainly because I was too focused on calming myself down, but I couldn’t. Soon my friend came in, she was one of my best friends. She walked me to my exam class, but I was still shaken and I didn’t really have a clear mind. 

Soon, the teacher that I was talking about before came because he was supposed to watch my class. He told me to drink water and breathe in-breathe out. 

Strangely, something did help me. For at least five minutes, he and my friends left me alone. I was finally by myself, staring at the empty wall while I sit on the ground. I realized that to calm myself, I need to be really alone and I need to think, why am I so scared and so panicked. When I finally found a reason on why I was panicked, I told myself that that reason isn’t here anymore. I was already somewhere else.

I can breathe again.

I know that a lot of people out there have claustrophobia too, and I just want to tell all of you that it’s okay. Fear is a normal thing. Whether it's claustrophobia, the fear of height, the fear of darkness...

Everyone has different types of fears and we shouldn't feel embarrassed to have that fear because having a fear does not make us a weak person.

Sometimes I tell myself that I need to face my fears, just so I know that it’s not going to hurt me. That is true; sometimes we need to just face it, but a fear is a fear. You can’t force yourself. Sometimes you just need to accept your fears. No, it doesn’t make you weak. Fear is just another thing that makes us human.

So dear claustrophobia, hi it’s me, Silv. Yes, I do fear you. But I am not going to let you stop my breath or blur my vision.